Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Dan Brown's Next Gift to the World

There is a God! Finally all of my most fervent and fevered prayers have been answered! Yes, my friends: Dan Brown's next book is soon to be released.

I'm kidding, of course, but I'm sure someone in the wide world web is excited about this. I, on the other hand, can't muster enthusiasm for a writer who describes his main character thusly (in The Da Vinci Code, obviously):

"The past year had taken a heavy toll on him, but he didn't appreciate seeing proof in the mirror. His usually sharp blue eyes looked hazy and drawn tonight. A dark stubble was shrouding his strong jaw and dimpled chin. Around his temples, the gray highlights were advancing, making their way deeper in his thicket of coarse black hair. Although his female colleagues insisted the gray only accentuated his bookish appeal, Langdon knew better.

If Boston Magazine could see me now.

Last month, much to Langon's embarrasment, Boston Magazine had listed him as one of the city's ten most intriguing people--a dubuious honor that made him the brunt of endless ribbing by his Harvard colleagues. [...]

"Although Professor Langdom might not be considered hunk-handsome like some of our younger awardees, this forty-something academic has more than his share of scholarly allure. His captivating presence is punctuated by an unusually low, baritone speaking voice, which his female students describe as "chocolate for the ears."' [...]

He knew what came next--some ridiculous line about 'Harrison Ford in Harris tweed.'"

To be honest, this sounds like something John Keats would IM me in a poorly-written DIY romance novel: "The past year has taken a heavy toll on me..."


Homero said...

I'm afraid to ask just how did you get those quotes...

Lindsay-with-an-A said...

I'll have you know that I've read the first 28 pages of THE DA VINCI CODE three times. (Of course, I never made it PAST page 28).

This section always stood out in my mind because it ws the first example of text that made me roll my eyes so hard it hurt.

Homero said...

If you think that's bad, read "Mr. Lincoln's Wars:A Novel in Thirteen Stories." It remains to be the only book that I have ever returned to the store, the very same day I bought it. Here are the opening line from there:

Time moves on, and each day ends with a curtain beind dropped, and every day seems like the one before. It can seem as if the only thing to make it better would be a quick stick of morphine into the veins and a skeleton key twisted in the lock, leaving the flame of a candle as the only other breathing thing in the room; and Abraham Lincoln was the sixteenth president of the United States.

Does that make ANY sense at all?! And it's won awards. Maybe I should have read past the third story, but I had to take it back, because it never got better.

Lindsay-with-an-A said...

But it's LITERARY fiction! It's artistic! It's award-winning!

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