Wednesday, November 25, 2009

You Can't Fight the Twilight: Chapter One

Well, I tried--and, obviously, failed--to resist the Twilight phenonemon.  It has now become such a mainstay in our culture that I feel like a bit of a pariah for never having read it, no matter that I had deliberately chosen not to read it as a protest against what it stands for.

How the mighty have fallen.

Anyway, I've decided to liveblog the reading experience, if it's possible to "liveblog" a book.  From what I've seen so far, it shouldn't take too long.  (By the way, I should mention that I did try to read this book with an open mind.  It just didn't work.)
Chapter One

I'm Isabella "Bella" Swan and I'm a responsible teenager because my mom is sooooo immature.  I move to the Pacific Northwest and call my father by his first name to show just how alienated the two of us are, despite the fact that I've seen him every summer since the day I was born.

I'm depressed.  Like, super depressed, and I cry a lot.  I'm not very pretty, no one understands me, and I'm a social misfit who's a bit of a klutz.  In fact, I'm so un-pretty and un-fit-in-able that one boy at school develops a crush on me on the first day at school.  But I don't care about him or any of the other people who go out of their way to be nice to me--they're just overly friendly "chess club types."

The boy that I like is beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, and even paler than I am, even though I make jokes that aren't funny about how I look like an albino.  But what makes him so attractive to me is that he's a huuuuge asshole!  He doesn't even know me, but it's obvious by the look in his beautiful black eyes that he thinks that I'm scum between his toes, and I can't get enough of it!  I got to sit next to him in biology and he leaned so far away from me in his seat that I was forced to make sure whether or not I had kept up on my personal hygeine--I'm clean, by the way. Edward Cullen is just a bit of a jerk off.

I think I'm in love.

3 comments:

Daniele said...

Haha! Love it. I read them last January. To summarize...
Book 1-irritating soap opera plot, makes me somewhat nostalgic for middle school and Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Book 2-Bella is even more irritating. Jacob is the first mildly likable character in the series
Book 3-whiny and irritating
Book 4- WTF?
Remember how much we hated Tess (of the D'Urbervilles) in 12th grade? Bell is like Tess, but decaf.

Lindsay-with-an-A said...

Oh, my God, YES!

BELLA = TESS OF THE D'URBERVILLES!

Shudder.

nishitak said...

there is a whole blog devoted to liveblogging the Twilight reading experience.

You might want to check out http://vampirely.wordpress.com

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