Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Bite Me, Ennui

"The spreading wide my narrow Hands / To gather Paradise"
I try not to post too much about "real life" on the internet (because it's somewhat disturbing to know strangers can read about what I had for breakfast if I put it out there), but I woke up this morning feeling so incredibly great that it would be a shame not to share that positive energy with the world.  Maybe it's because my passport came in the mail the other day, or maybe it's because it finally hit me this morning that I'm almost done with a twelve-month-long commitment, but I'm feeling distinctly full of possibilities this morning, as evidenced by being up at the ass crack of dawn and not being mad about it. 

It was a year ago today that I was officially offered a job in Texas, and it was a year ago today that I became a full-fledged member of the Fatalism Club, thereby acknowledging that everyone has a price and my price was pathetically low.  Now it's nice to know that pretty soon I'll have a say in what goes on around here again...  not that I'm planning on going anywhere anytime soon, but it's really pleasant not to be afraid of the Lindsay-with-an-A-of-forty-years-from-now looking back on the Lindsay-with-an-A-of-today with a slight feeling of disappointment and distaste.  It's like the world is unfolding from around me rather than crumpling in, which is what an office at work with no windows often feels like.   

What makes this happy feeling so unusual (of late), though, is that it is accompanied by the spark of creativity, and it's been a while since I felt that particular tingling. I am not exaggerating when I say it's been literally years.  In the words of Emily Dickinson,
I dwell in Possibility--
A fairer House than Prose--
More numerous of Windows--
Superior--for Doors--

Of Chambers as the Cedars--
Impregnable of Eye--
And for an Everlasting Roof
The Gambrels of the Sky--

Of Visitors--the fairest--
For Occupation--This--
The spreading wide my narrow Hands
To gather Paradise--
I'm so freaking excited about the future right now.  Thank God... ennui is so boring.

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